Overcoming a Toxic Relationship with Alisa Gracheva

Episode 004: Overcoming a Toxic Relationship with Alisa Gracheva

What does it take to heal after an abusive and toxic relationship? In this powerful episode of Overcoming Anything, licensed psychotherapist Alisa Gracheva shares her raw story of resilience—from moving countries alone at 18, surviving abuse, facing health struggles, and finding the discipline and tools that helped her reclaim her life. This conversation is filled with hope, practical wisdom, and the reminder that you are worthy of so much more.

About Alisa Gracheva

Working with trauma is Alisa’s deepest passion. She is dedicated to using both traditional and alternative modalities to help people heal from life’s most painful experiences. Drawing on EMDR, CBT, Logotherapy, Ketamine-Assisted Psychotherapy (KAP), and spiritual guidance, she helps clients address trauma at its root. Alisa also brings years of experience in sacred plant medicine, sound healing, light therapy, and energy work, blending modern science with spirituality to guide people through grief, loss, life transitions, and personal growth. Her work emphasizes reconnecting with the Higher Self to achieve true fulfillment and peace.

Key Takeaways

1. Trauma can feel invisible—but it always leaves traces in the body. Healing requires both awareness and active work, often through new disciplines, habits, and tools.
2. Discipline and consistency are non-negotiable in recovery. Daily rituals, mindset shifts, and boundaries create the foundation for transformation.
3. You are not alone—and you are not meant to stay in pain. With the right support system, resources, and self-love practices, it is possible to leave toxic cycles and build a life rooted in worthiness and peace.

Books Alisa Recommends: 

I Can Do It by Louise Hay   https://a.co/d/6k398tT

Change Your Thoughts- Change Your Life by Dr. Wayne Dyer https://a.co/d/gVIF93L

Breaking the Habit of Being Yourself by Dr. Joe Dispenza https://a.co/d/ergtMFo

Follow Alisa:

Psychology Today: https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/therapists/alisa-gracheva-coral-springs-fl/1109186/

Caring Therapists https://caringtherapistsofbroward.com/staff/alisa-gracheva/

LinkedIn: https://www.linkedin.com/in/alisa-gracheva-61081670/

Overcoming Anything is Hosted by Anne Vryonides

Transcript

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Welcome to overcoming Anything, the podcast where we dive deep into stories of resilience, transformation, and growth. I'm your host Anne Vryonides, and today we have an incredible guest who has overcome trauma from a toxic relationship. Joining me today is Alyssa Grava. Who has an amazing story of perseverance. Welcome to the show. Before we dive in, I love to ask you, what's one quote or mantra that's kept you going in tough times? Thank you so much for having me. One of the mantras, and I would say the quote actually from Albert Einstein, we can't solve a problem with the same mind that created it. So for anything we have to go through, whether it's our own things, life experiences, working with clients, my work as a, licensed psychotherapist, also working with trauma with other people and going through that experience with them. I feel like it can be very useful to understand that sometimes we get trapped. By our experiences, but it doesn't have to entrap us forever. There are ways to get out of that and if we know the tools, and there are so many different tools that are available right now, which is amazing. We have this luxury of knowing so much, right now. The age of information, but I feel like understanding that there are so many tools we can use, but it's simple, but it's not easy. So we have to be ready for this rollercoaster. So inspiring.'cause especially for people who have been through trauma, you have one mindset and once you heal that, then you have to create or adopt a new mindset. What would you say is the most difficult thing that you have ever had to personally overcome? I would say there were a few things that I can think of. And again, knowing about trauma now, there's so many aspects of the trauma and what we consider, what is the definition of trauma that can be so different for a lot of people, whether it's professionals, whether it's, pop psychology, when we use everything is trauma, right? But in reality, we do have a lot of things that participate within us that can bring us in that traumatic state. And it's our physiology, emotions. It's the mindset, it's the environment too.'cause a lot of times people get stuck and that was, I feel like one of the biggest things I had to go through is, number one, moving to another country when I was just 18 to another continent and I was absolutely by myself, which was a rough experience of adjustment and, making sense of life. Then getting in a very abusive relationship, which was my first, and experiencing, sexual abuse, physical abuse, and verbal. I mean, you name it, different layers to that. And having that as a first relationship, which again, I did not understand at the time that this was trauma for me. Because once you are in there, and I feel like a lot of people need to be aware of that sometimes we don't even know that we are in a traumatic situation. We remain there just because we don't know any better and we never experienced any better. And so we can get stuck in there thinking that this is how life is and that's how relationships should look like. But in reality, it can become a very, very damaging place to be. But again, we can get stuck based on the knowledge and experience that we currently have. Absolutely. Because sometimes. If we grew up in that type of environment, it feels familiar. And so we think that's what we have to live with when it's really not the case. So, what would you say made this experience particularly challenging for you? Ah, right now, it's funny to think back at that because I was probably 19 or 20 and having that as a first kind of example and to, think that i actually didn't have that growing up, but I didn't have a father, so not having a dad and then being in a relationship like that, I needed to learn how to be a girlfriend And that was, again, my first relationship ever. And that was so late, right? I was like 19 or 20. Right now, people date so much earlier than that, or so much sooner. And I feel like not having that role. model or father figure in my life that it was very hard to navigate what's right and what's not. And so being stuck in that and thinking this is it. Because I feel like, when we're young, we see everything through this lens. The rosey type of glasses that we were wearing, even though they were not rose-colored at the time. But it's very hard to let go. And I feel like really trying to create a family environment for myself. I feel like that drive to have. Someone I can relate to. Maybe it's from, loneliness, alienation, just being in a different country altogether that I really wanted to cling onto that person and have that relationship. Even though it was so bad for me, I had so many different health conditions. And that's how trauma represents itself as well. You have to remember that anything emotional will sooner or later have a physiological component in the form of autoimmune diseases, cancers, eczemas, things like that. In my case, it was. Eczema and, cancer cells that I had to actually freeze up. So it was very, very, damaging, ending to that relationship. And yet it took me years to get out of that and overcome what I was conditioned into. Wow. That must have been so difficult for you.. So who supported you through this process? Was there someone in particular that was there for you? Yes. So when I finally, when we separated actually he was the one breaking up with me, not me. So that was another mind blowing situation. We even got engaged and then he was the one who, and I'm so grateful for that moment now, but that was devastating to deal with and that was the moment when I reconnected with my mom and she began to be a support system by phone. Of course, I hadn't seen her for four years since I moved here. So she became that support, but also. It was hard for me to establish connections'cause again, based on how the manipulation was within that relationship, I really didn't have a lot of support on the outside. And that's how abusive relationships often are. And when the moment came when I had to move and suddenly people that I worked with asked and I just shared the story randomly, I just needed to talk to someone and people were so shocked about what I was going through. And I was so surprised how a group of people just gathered together and came to help me move and actually found a place for me to move into.'cause I didn't have. Much money to afford anything at that moment. Again, I was very sheltered from the world in that relationship, and so I would say this random occurrences that are never random, I feel like everything has a place to be just at the moment. It felt very random, but I did feel support from these humans that were surrounding me at the moment, and I'm so grateful to every one of them to be there for me, but it was not an intentional group of people that I would consider to be. Close people in that sense of like friendships or relatives. So it was more of just, synchronicity. I would say that everything just kind of aligned for me and they helped me a lot through that process. Wow. I got goosebumps when you said that. Was this the onset of your spirituality when you were having to navigate these challenges and these random people came in to support you? I wish I can say that, but it was, I don't think that was it yet, because that was the onset of my alcohol addiction that i had to go through, because that became my coping skill, and it was very, very hard to navigate. And it was a very rough kind of journey for me. My onset of, I can say that I've always been into aligning. I always believed in your guardian angels and things like that, but I would never really, because there's difference between a knowledge and a knowing. We can have a knowledge of something. I know people who can cite a Bible, but they never experience God. And there's that experience when we get to feel and know that alignment and that spirituality within ourselves. And for me, that alignment was much, much later when I was doing the deep work later on, when that trauma resurfaced again. After I made sense of it mentally and I processed that, and now I'm talking about 2017 from like 2010, so it's years later when that resurfaced. And that was the beginning of something much deeper and I had to do much deeper work for myself as far as spirituality. I love that knowledge and knowing like you can have the knowledge of something, but actually knowing it and embodying it is totally different. I love that. That's beautiful. So what was the turning point when you realized that things had to change for you? Oh, so turning point I have, I had a few of them, and I feel like it's also important to understand that some difficulties we're dealing with, and again, working with clients too, and sometimes we want to have quick results. It's not that simple to do that because there's so many different layers to our traumatic experiences. So I feel like everything. It's opening up the way it's supposed to and we just have to trust this process, but also not be stagnant and always try to try new things and to find, ways to address it, and new ways of healing. And so my first kind of breakthrough started when I quit, alcohol for the first time. That was my first attempt. And, I started doing more mental work. I had a mentor who helped me navigate it and I was also in school for my bachelor's to get education for psychology'cause I wanted to understand what I was dealing with. And so. Having that, was a discipline type of breakthrough because I had to go on this mental diet. I stopped listening to all the music that I ever listened to, watching TV doing. I didn't do any of those things I used to do before, and I started putting more information in, and that's why that hands, that quote came in, right? It's motivational speakers, audio books, anything that helps me to be better. And I had a routine that was very strict, nine o'clock. I'm out, my phone is off and I'm going into meditation. I was doing affirmations. I was doing so much work on myself that eventually, and it's actually was much quicker than what I've expected. I started to have the shifts in consciousness, which led me to figuring out, I always give this metaphor, it's like shelves where everything is messed up and then you start putting one book at a time, one little piece at a time, one little decor, right? So that's what I started to do and how I started working on myself. And look at how messy that was and putting everything in its place. And it was a neat, very nice shelf, and I actually thought my life was figured out. But there was a second kind of moment that started leading me into a second cycle of experiences that were more spiritual later down the line. So was there one particular mentor that helped shift your mindset? If you were to think back to the exact moment where the shift took place, would you attribute that to a book or to a mentor or to an audio that you heard or something specific? I think it was a combination of factors, but definitely my, mentor at that moment, he helped me understand, Again, get that essence of understanding, right? The experiential component of that understanding of how important our thoughts are and how our thoughts can change how we feel, right? Which is natural, that's what we do in therapy too. It's CBT, cognitive behavioral therapy, analyzing thoughts and then emotions. But I was so young. So for me to understand that in the experiential level that was an incredible, discovery. And so he was definitely the one that opened me up to that. And then I took it further by listening. to positive affirmations, and all of the other stuff that continuously provided me with more insights and more realizations to grow and understand myself and to heal as well. Wow. So it sounds like discipline was a huge factor in your success, especially when you said I changed and did this by turning off your phone at nine o'clock and meditating.. So was it the discipline and consistency that helped shift things for you? Oh my God. Big time. That was three months of that Very rigid. routine, but I couldn't be any other way because I could not afford to not do that meditation. I could not afford not to listen to the audio book. I could not afford to not practice these new skills that I wanted to implement.'cause I was in such a deep hole that there was not another way, if I wanted to make it, I had to change everything about myself. So that started with the mind as well. And so that's where it began. I feel like it's one of the first things we should demystify. I always compare our mind to this wild horse that it's hard to tame but you really want it to work for you. And so it's gonna take time. You have to come and see this horse every single day and try to feed and try to pet it and it's not gonna listen. But then after some time and. A long time to you begin to establish the rapport with her and then you learn to navigate. And then one of those days she's come and she surrenders and you guys have this relationship. Like Ecker Tolle always said about the mind, our mind is a tool to use. However, we're often used by it. And I feel like it's an important thing to remember that we're not our thoughts. Our thoughts are the conditions that we have, but to change that we'll have to do a lot of. Dedicated work on ourselves and a lot of discipline is number one, the second one, absolutely. Consistency is everything. So the discipline for ourselves, our routines will determine how we're gonna be in a month or in two or in a year. So I feel like if we wanna practice, just like brushing our teeth, we do that every day. Hopefully we all do this, right? Maybe multiple times a day in my case. But when we're children, we don't, because, we may not like it. If we may not wanna do it and yet, now we can see that habit is such a big part of our lives. So can any other habit that we wanna establish. But yes, we will have to practice domesticating, this wild horse before we're able to surrender and use it to become a habit as a part of ourselves So now if there's someone out here listening who needs that discipline, who needs to turn off their phone at nine o'clock, what suggestions would you have for someone to create this kind of discipline? Was there a sentence or mantra that you told yourself, or would you just think of the analogy between yourself and domesticating a horse, or how would you suggest someone create that discipline? Well that's behavioral activation, right? We do it anyway. We may not have the motivation for it, and that's fine, but as long as you continuously repeat one action many, many times, it's gonna automatically after a couple of attempts, or maybe more than a couple, but it's gonna to become more of a natural thing for us to do. We just have to get used to it. If we're not yet willing to make those changes and we're not able to stay consistent with it, then maybe we're not as hungry yet because we have to be hungry for change. If your pain isn't as severe as mine once was, then that shouldn't be a problem because again, the discomfort cannot outdo the pain we're dealing with when it comes to that trauma. So if you have that pain, you're dealing with that, just think about that. It's gonna take a little bit of time for habits to b e formed for everybody. We're creatures of habit. It's gonna be there. But don't give yourself those excuses. Obstacles are just mental again, when you think I can't do this. Well, if you believe that, then you're not gonna be able to do this, but you can do it. Just like you learned how to brush your teeth, dress yourself, cook a meal, right? Drive a car. Car is a great example. In the beginning, we don't know how to drive. We're scared, and then after some time, we're driving completely on our own. It's automated system. It just goes by itself. It's all automatic. So the same thing can happen for you to kind of establish these new habits that can be so, so therapeutic. Got it. So if there's someone out here listening who is in a relationship, and maybe it's not to the point where it's so painful that they feel like they have to leave and they're just like kind of weighing their options, maybe vacillating, and kind of gaslighting themselves, thinking it's not that bad, but they know it's bad and maybe they don't have a support system on the outside telling them, Hey, it's time to leave, and this i sn't normal. What advice would you have for them? Yeah, so number one, we have one life to live. And romantic relationships shouldn't be a struggle or a pain, even if there is a doubt. I don't think doubts are a healthy thing, especially if you have some facts to support that maybe it's not a good fit I know it's hard sometimes to get unstuck, and this age we are often are faced with codependency for different reasons. But again, that codependency doesn't just have to be because of this relationships. It can be much deeper causes for that rooted in our childhood and our understanding of the world and conditioning and family and culture and society and so many other things. So I feel like number one, if you're not ready to leave a relationship, then maybe start with yourself and saying, okay, how can I practice being. Not so clingy in this relationship, and just practice doing my own thing. Becoming more independent. For yourself while you're still in that relationship. Because if you're gonna start changing and growing and healing yourself outside of that. You may get a different perspective on the same relationship that you're in. So again, it's not about to cut it off right away if you're not ready. I get it. Sometimes we need to be in that relationship for a very long time. I mean, I did get back to that person as well afterwards, and again, went through that same thing. That was a terrible, terrible situation and I was a victim for a very long time after that too, and I've stayed in that victim role for awhile. I needed that. We all need to feel everything. We have to feel from what we're going through to get fed up at the time and then make that decision to say, you know what? I don't wanna live like this. And that comes from being hungry for something else, for something better, and maybe learning more self love.'cause if we truly love ourselves, we're never gonna put ourselves in a relationship that's toxic or abusive. But if we don't, that's much easier because that's how we treat ourselves. And so again, when other people are treating us too, it feels natural. Sometimes people feel like, okay, I need to leave, or they'll leave a relationship and then they go back and then they beat themselves up and they're like, oh, why can't I leave? So sometimes, there is another experience that they have to have to get that full strength to walk away. Great advice!. So what life lessons did this, did this unhealthy relationship teach you? to never ignore red flags for sure. To trust my intuition too, because again, sometimes we don't listen to ourselves for many reasons, but I feel like just having certain, red flags, will make me not want have a relationship. And that's how, again, later down the line, when I became very picky, as far as if somebody said something, it's after the first Stage of my healing process when I would go on a date and I would meet someone else, and if they say something I don't like, even it's one word. If they show one tendency, if they had this one gesture that I didn't like, then you're out. I'm not gonna question that. I'm not gonna even sit there and think, you know, maybe it's gonna change. No, no, I was very rigid in that way. I had very firm boundaries and that actually led me to a beautiful marriage down the line where, again, we're not married anymore, but we had a very beautiful connection and it was a very. Incredible kind of experience for me to be in a safe space as well, for me to do the further healing on the same traumas that I had faced before. Beautiful, beautiful. I love that. So how has your life changed for the better because of this challenge and the relationship? I know you said you created stronger boundaries and as a result you attracted this beautiful, healthy relationships. But how else has your life changed after this experience? Well, naturally everything I was doing on myself too, including affirmations, changing my mindset, having different practices, not drinking right. For me, it was a huge thing back in a day. My first attempt was for about, a year and six months, and then I returned back. But very likely it was never the same way that I ever had that in the past. So I feel like I became a new person.'cause naturally we're always becoming. Every single one of us, and if we look back, which we should do, sometimes we look back only at our previous version of self and see and say, you know what? I've changed so much and I have people sometimes looking back 10 years ago, like, yeah, I was the same back there. I'm like, are you proud of that? What is there to be proud of? We are meant to change. That's there for a reason because our younger minds may have certain constructs of life or reality or beliefs that may not be serving us now. Right? And there is no mistake say, wow. Yeah, I really didn't think that went true before. So now thank God I have a different view on that. And I can admit to that there's no. There's no problem in being wrong in the past, right? Because we're growing, we're, you know, we're kids, teenagers, whatever else, young adults. And I feel like it's a beautiful experience to always discover how we can change and who we can become later on. And so for me, that was a, I would say, realization how much is in my control. But again, it's not about the. Outside sources, it's more about my mental strength. And so that was giving me more stability and peace at that point. And I went into creativity too, so it opened up a lot of new channels for me. And just exploring new things and being okay with myelf too. Because I feel like when it comes to, getting stuck in abusive relationships, it is in a way a form of codependency, I would say, for whatever our needs are at that moment. If I've never learned how to be validated when I was a child or how to feel loved when I was a child, and then suddenly one person appears and he fulfills or she fulfills these two needs that I have, then for me, I get attached to that. I'm like, oh my God, I never knew those needs can be met. And here is the person who is providing you all of that, and that's so refreshing and beautiful and you think this is life, but it's really not it, right? So we get stuck. So I feel like practicing that independence too, and learning about myself. Just going through this healing process was a very important step in my own healing. Okay. So if there's a listener right now going through an abusive relationship, and maybe they're stuck in a victim mindset and maybe they tried to leave but they went back, what advice would you give them to help them believe they deserve better so they can walk away? I think to start with, I don't know if advice would be the first point. I would start with, having a support system through that, because sometimes when we talk about our struggles with other people, they're like, oh, you're stuck, or you're this, or why are you still thinking about that. If we have someone who's able to validate that and say, yeah, I get it. It's rough. Because it is rough. You're trying to live somewhere where you still have some of your needs being met, right? Maybe there are other aspects of that relationship are not good. What if you're gonna have support system to tell, you know what, I'm with you through this journey and I'm here. I may not fully understand why I do it, or maybe I will understand why I do it if you share with me. But these people also have to have an open mind. And I feel like having an established support system outside of that relationship, somebody who will be able to provide you with validation and understanding to the best capacity. And then also maybe in time when you have that rapport and connection. You are able to perceive and look at this situation differently because you also see another human factor that can be there. Because I know people in abusive relationships are very alienated as well.'cause not a lot of people will be tolerating, their decisions per se, their family to be like, what are you doing with that person? And when we are met with this kind of judgment, it's very hard to not resist it because again, they don't understand fully what you're dealing with. And I feel like eventually the next step is to start to really. working on yourself. Again, that's something that just changing your own routine within that and maybe using different strategies to open up your mind. How can I practice more of a self love I feel like we all need to practice self-love'cause we never do it enough. And that's not in a selfish way.'cause I know a lot of people have problems with selfishness and self-love. It's really not that, right? It's the ability to truly see yourself deserving and worthy and capable. There are a lot of ways that it's not an easy task. Again, working on self-love is not just gonna be the affirmation, but maybe seeking help too. Maybe there's time to reach out to a professional who can or will be able to assist you in that. And again, I mean, it's also a process to find the right professional, but I would say starting point with that is just more of a connections with others and just observing again, what are your desires? Getting to know yourself even though you are within this relationship. Don't forget that you count too. And again, it's a process and we have to be ready for that. But first is self-awareness and being willing to really change something about me if I'm not happy. So the first step is, again, are you happy? Answer that question. Okay, so if someone's hearing this, then they're like, yeah, I'm not happy, and they feel isolated. Is there like a book or like maybe an audio or YouTube That you could suggest to help someone to show them that things can get better and you can shift your mindset. Is there any one thing that you could suggest? Oh, so many. So number one, it's like basics and it's very beautiful, especially for women.'cause she has a very beautiful, feminine energy. Louise Hay in her book. I can do it. It's about affirmations and just going through different areas of life and how to use those affirmations. Then Dr. Wayne Dyer and his book, change Your Thoughts, change Your Life. Very, very powerful tool for anybody. And he has lectures on YouTube as well. Then Joe Dispenza breaking the habit of being yourself. It's more of the meditation practice and also seeing the kind of chemical cocktails that we have in our brain and what happens with meditation, how we change through that discipline, which is incredible. We will go ahead and link those books down below for anyone that wants to check out those books. I love Louise Hay. She's been, a huge catalyst for change in my life as well. And Dr. Joe Dispenza. Yes, I love Dr. Joe's meditations. Alisa this has been such an inspiring conversation, Thank you for sharing your journey with us. Where can people connect with you, follow your work, or learn more about what you do? So I have, my personal website, you can find me on Google too I have Psychology Today website and a and Therapist group practice I work with, my social media as well, and I highly recommend people to reach out and connect with me, for free consultation. We just can, if they have any questions and they're responsive, I would gladly. Talk to anybody who needs me or who needs some suggestion. Excellent. All right, thank you. We will also put those links down below to make it easy for people to connect with you. So if you found this episode helpful, please share with someone who might be experiencing a difficult relationship or an abusive relationship and that needs to hear this message of hope. No one deserves to be in an unhealthy relationship. Let them know they are not alone and they are worthy of so much more! Thank you for sharing this podcast and I'll see you next time on Overcoming Anything.